Just One?
Is there just one special someone out there for me? Is there such a thing as a soul mate? You truly have to be a romantic to believe in the idea of a soul mate, which I am. The very thought is beyond reason or logic...the idea that there is someone out there that was created just for you. Even more interesting, the notion that you will somehow find them in the almost 7 billion people on this planet.
I do understand why the thought is so appealing. The hope of finding someone that is perfectly designed just for you. Like designing your dream home from scratch with no consideration of practicality or monetary limitations. Just think if every marriage was made up of "soul mates" divorce would be almost non-existent...or would it?
What do I believe? I believe there are definitely those people who just seem to match you in every major consideration. I do have a hard time believing that there is only one. I believe it is rare to find someone so perfectly matched and that's why we define it in a spiritual way when it happens, but they are out there.
If I choose to wait on this mystical magical connection, I may as well set myself for failure. Truth is, my mind and heart are very separate. I need someone who calls out to both equally. Emotions can be very deceptive. Haven't you noticed how many times a man loves a woman that doesn't love or treat him well? How many times have you had to tell your girlfriend, leave that fool! Are you stupid? The problem is their heart and mind are operating in two different spaces.That's why I have to make a conscious, deliberate decision on who I give my heart to. I cannot let my heart decide. The heart is the seat of the emotions and emotions are eternally deceitful. Someone went as far as to say "there is no good thing in the heart of man"
Chemistry
That's why when a good woman appears, she has my full attention. Don't let that good man pass. Everyone is talking about chemistry...chemistry is deceptive. It could be the time of day, cologne he's wearing, his body, the song you just got done listening to that is feeding this chemistry. God gave us a brain for a reason people, let's use it.
Do I choose or does God?
I know I'm going to get into trouble for this one, but I believe we must choose. I believe that God can present the person to us, I believe we can pray for him to reveal them, but ultimately, like everything else in God's plan...its our choice. Why would God not force us into salvation, but force us into a mate? Doesn't make sense to me.
I have to believe that love is more than an emotion and some uncontrollable cosmic random happening. When the bible tells us to love our neighbor, it seems to leave no room for error. It also says for husbands to love their wives...well, what if you get married and no longer feel that "thing" that you felt during the courtship? Here again there seems to be no room for error. Husbands LOVE your wife in the same breath as children obey your parents. Very black and white. So love then must be something in my control to impart or refrain from.
Who I choose to Love
Having been in a marriage, I can tell you that the "feeling" of love definitely comes and goes, but the commitment of love must remain eternal. The moment I choose not to move and act within the constraints of love, I have chosen...not to love.
The same applies to who I choose. It must be more than a physical or chemical response that drives my decision. While women are less physically driven than men, they still are drawn to what their eyes see. Of course, attraction is part of the equation, but how much of the equation should it be? If your decision is based on a glass that is equal four parts full, attraction should never be 3/4 of the glass. Make sure you have given great weight to those ever important qualities like integrity, character, honesty, maturity and loyalty. Because when the feeling of love is gone, no matter how fine they are, you will be left scratching your head wondering how you could be so foolish. Believe me the more bad decisions you make, the less of you remains to love the worthy one waiting down the line.
So when I see a woman, I have to see her from the inside out. While my eyes and other things may react to the gloss, short dress and stilettos, I must refrain and find out what's on the inside. In this wicked cauldron of all things Hollywood, that is difficult, but necessary. Is she beautiful on the inside...Blackstreet..."can she make me a happy home"...well, can she? Is she a mother, a lover, is she industrious or destructive? I like affection, is she affectionate or will I have to ask for it? Has she chosen to love so many times to a fool that there is very little left in her to love?
Don't get me wrong, God can restore all things, but how many of us are willing to go through the year long make over, alone and refrained from all things love?
David in the bible said "create in me a clean heart". He realized that some of his terrible decisions were made from his heart's desire. You know what you need more than your heart does. Don't let your heart and well... other things control who you choose to love.
Why sex makes you think you're in love
When a woman gives her body it is the most precious and powerful gift she has to give, but something happens to her that doesn't happen to the man. She completely opens herself to the man, body, mind and soul. Soul ties, oxytocin...I'll discuss all of these things next week, but I can tell you there are a lot people running around saying they are in love, but what they really are is...drum roll please...SPRUNG! Well, at least that's what called it in the 80s. It is however, not love. So essentially we should only choose to lay down with the same people we would choose to love. Can the choir say Amen? That's why premarital sex is well...I feel my help coming on! OK, I'm done :)
That's why its so beautiful when I say with my heart and mind...I choose you.
And now that you know the truth...choose wisely.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
I believe in love
So then, what shall I believe? What shall we render? After all of our wanting and all of our sorrow, shall there even be a drifting memory? Will someone publish our weary diary? Then again, love, has no ending, there was no genesis and it will perceptually regenerate. Trembling soldiers attack, but are fallen at the whisk of love's hand. Yet we stand, waiting, longing, hoping for love. A simple molecule of belief shall delineate the mystery of its power, the source of life the meaning of every second, every minute, every hour. We will know love and it will set us free.
Yes, I am believer. I believe love is rich and flowing with energy beyond knowing. The first glance in a newborn's eye, the pedantic mutterings of wedding day vows, the consummation on a virgin's conquestual night, the glimmer or Alaska's first light...I believe, I believe in love.
Yes, I am believer. I believe love is rich and flowing with energy beyond knowing. The first glance in a newborn's eye, the pedantic mutterings of wedding day vows, the consummation on a virgin's conquestual night, the glimmer or Alaska's first light...I believe, I believe in love.
The Audacious Hope of Love
The Feeling of Love
Yes, I am a believer. When two people meet in a sea of billions and find that awe inspiring moment that says, I want you, it's beautiful. Is it a heart connection or is it synaptic connections in our brain telling us what to feel? Is it God zapping us with cupid's arrow or the desperate surrendering after many years of searching?
The feeling of love is absolutely perfect. It is unmeasurable, indefinable and is uncontainable. When you say I love you this much (imagine my arms stretched wide), be assured that this is not love, but a feeling. Some would say its infatuation. If love is the overwhelming glory, then infatuation is the first moment of realization before the clouds part. It is just that piercing in your gut when you hear that person's voice, feel their skin, sense their presence. George Duke has a song called, is love enough? Is it enough to keep him from cheating, keep her from acting up and so on...yes true love is, but what he is really saying is...will the feeling of love do this. Butterflies...this is the feeling we call love, but it is not love. Love is long-suffering, the feeling of love fades fast after he starts acting a fool! Love makes them a priority, the feeling of love is selfish only meeting its own needs. Love is perfect and without condition. If her gaining some weight shifts your "love" it is not love. If him losing his job shifts your "love", it is not love.
How to Find Love
No matter how many love songs you listen to, you can never force yourself to fall in love. You can certainly nurture the feeling of love, but love, listen closely...love is a state being, not a feeling. It seems easier to find heartbreak, than it is to find love. Did you know that there is a 3-1 advantage for songs about breaking up opposed to songs about falling in love (excluding the sex songs of course, which is another dialog all together)? Think about the most famous ones...Luther Vandross' Superstar (originally by the Carpenters), All by Myself, I Fall to Pieces – Patsy Cline, Pretty Brown Eyes Mint Condition, Where do broken hearts go - Whitney Houston, Total Eclipse of the Heart Bonnie Tyler, Since U Been Gone Kelly Clarkson, Gloria Gayner - I will survive, On my own - Patti Labelle and Michael Mcdonald etc. The list is endless and sure there are also love songs out there, but isn't it interesting how many songs that seem to scream the sentiment, "I thought I was in love, but I was wrong". I venture to say its because we only look at the feeling of love and are really rarely ready for such an enormous on taking! In this instant microcosm of Los Angeles, its hard enough to get beyond the pretentious, fallacious, sabotaging bling bling, she so fine, he so fine, look at his whip(do they still use that word?), check that donkey... brain-washing we've all endured. So how do you find love? 1. Be ready. 2. Have a heart that is full of love, a heart that is healed from the war dredged scars. 3. Have a mind mature and ready for the doubt, hope, strain, change, and awkwardness that a relationship brings. 4. Be prepared to be completely naked, because this is what love requires. 5. Be dimensions beyond the need for games or manipulation. Love does not, will not, CAN NOT lie or manipulate. Can somebody shout on that one? I had to learn this the hard way. 6. Recognize love when you see it and whatever you do, don't let it pass you by! 7. Un-forgiveness, hatred and despair can never co-exist with love, so rid yourself of this things. A quality man or woman will see it and run for the hills. Those days of men playing superman are long gone. Of course, his love will effectually clean some sullied places, but that is not it's purpose. How can someone whole join with someone half? 8. Be patient! It is all too obvious which of us have settled, because we grew weary of waiting. Its always worth the wait. 9. Don't limit yourself! Dare I say, they just may not reside in your home city, maybe its time for a scene change. Change is good, it forces us to grow. 10. Know who you are! If you are still figuring this out, you're not ready for a relationship. If you don't know you, how will you know who is right for you? Life is short, but love is eternal. Attraction? Sure attraction has it's place, just remember, if you are not all that attracted to someone and you know this drives your emotion, run and leave that good woman or good man for someone else! That's it, let it flow, love needs no help, it has wings of it's own.
I wish you all the beauty of love !
Next Week - Why Sex isn't as important as Love, but is a close second!
Yes, I am a believer. When two people meet in a sea of billions and find that awe inspiring moment that says, I want you, it's beautiful. Is it a heart connection or is it synaptic connections in our brain telling us what to feel? Is it God zapping us with cupid's arrow or the desperate surrendering after many years of searching?
The feeling of love is absolutely perfect. It is unmeasurable, indefinable and is uncontainable. When you say I love you this much (imagine my arms stretched wide), be assured that this is not love, but a feeling. Some would say its infatuation. If love is the overwhelming glory, then infatuation is the first moment of realization before the clouds part. It is just that piercing in your gut when you hear that person's voice, feel their skin, sense their presence. George Duke has a song called, is love enough? Is it enough to keep him from cheating, keep her from acting up and so on...yes true love is, but what he is really saying is...will the feeling of love do this. Butterflies...this is the feeling we call love, but it is not love. Love is long-suffering, the feeling of love fades fast after he starts acting a fool! Love makes them a priority, the feeling of love is selfish only meeting its own needs. Love is perfect and without condition. If her gaining some weight shifts your "love" it is not love. If him losing his job shifts your "love", it is not love.
How to Find Love
No matter how many love songs you listen to, you can never force yourself to fall in love. You can certainly nurture the feeling of love, but love, listen closely...love is a state being, not a feeling. It seems easier to find heartbreak, than it is to find love. Did you know that there is a 3-1 advantage for songs about breaking up opposed to songs about falling in love (excluding the sex songs of course, which is another dialog all together)? Think about the most famous ones...Luther Vandross' Superstar (originally by the Carpenters), All by Myself, I Fall to Pieces – Patsy Cline, Pretty Brown Eyes Mint Condition, Where do broken hearts go - Whitney Houston, Total Eclipse of the Heart Bonnie Tyler, Since U Been Gone Kelly Clarkson, Gloria Gayner - I will survive, On my own - Patti Labelle and Michael Mcdonald etc. The list is endless and sure there are also love songs out there, but isn't it interesting how many songs that seem to scream the sentiment, "I thought I was in love, but I was wrong". I venture to say its because we only look at the feeling of love and are really rarely ready for such an enormous on taking! In this instant microcosm of Los Angeles, its hard enough to get beyond the pretentious, fallacious, sabotaging bling bling, she so fine, he so fine, look at his whip(do they still use that word?), check that donkey... brain-washing we've all endured. So how do you find love? 1. Be ready. 2. Have a heart that is full of love, a heart that is healed from the war dredged scars. 3. Have a mind mature and ready for the doubt, hope, strain, change, and awkwardness that a relationship brings. 4. Be prepared to be completely naked, because this is what love requires. 5. Be dimensions beyond the need for games or manipulation. Love does not, will not, CAN NOT lie or manipulate. Can somebody shout on that one? I had to learn this the hard way. 6. Recognize love when you see it and whatever you do, don't let it pass you by! 7. Un-forgiveness, hatred and despair can never co-exist with love, so rid yourself of this things. A quality man or woman will see it and run for the hills. Those days of men playing superman are long gone. Of course, his love will effectually clean some sullied places, but that is not it's purpose. How can someone whole join with someone half? 8. Be patient! It is all too obvious which of us have settled, because we grew weary of waiting. Its always worth the wait. 9. Don't limit yourself! Dare I say, they just may not reside in your home city, maybe its time for a scene change. Change is good, it forces us to grow. 10. Know who you are! If you are still figuring this out, you're not ready for a relationship. If you don't know you, how will you know who is right for you? Life is short, but love is eternal. Attraction? Sure attraction has it's place, just remember, if you are not all that attracted to someone and you know this drives your emotion, run and leave that good woman or good man for someone else! That's it, let it flow, love needs no help, it has wings of it's own.
I wish you all the beauty of love !
Next Week - Why Sex isn't as important as Love, but is a close second!
Monday, April 5, 2010
The Absolute Final Straw on love
Love has a great sense of humor, almost malicious, almost belligerent or are we just playing ourselves? About ten years go I wrote a poem called once loved here is an excerpt...
I once believed in love
Thought forever was real
Saw only blood red roses
Walked only in blissful fields
I believed as some do
True love will conquer all
It conquered my heart only
And left my heart to fall...
Corny I know, but it still rings true. As a man I've been through the arrogance, lust and endless conquests that most men do and I got to a point where I felt I was ready for love.This happened much sooner for me, than most. I've always been the romantic type, drenched with poetry, love songs, creative rendezvous...so when I fell in love, I fell deeply. I really believed when I gave my heart it would be forever, just like the song says. When that love failed I was devastated. Was it love that failed or we that failed it? I'm still not sure, but what I do know is that with that destruction came hope. Hope of finding love again, but this time better, richer, fuller, stronger. Every TV show, romantic comedy, love song, Valentines day leads you to believe that there is a universe of women out there waiting for a man like me. You know, attractive, sensitive, a leader, romantic, spiritual etc. The truth is it all seems like fiction (the universe of single, beautiful, ready people), the stuff that fuels fairy tales.
I once believed in love
Thought forever was real
Saw only blood red roses
Walked only in blissful fields
I believed as some do
True love will conquer all
It conquered my heart only
And left my heart to fall...
Corny I know, but it still rings true. As a man I've been through the arrogance, lust and endless conquests that most men do and I got to a point where I felt I was ready for love.This happened much sooner for me, than most. I've always been the romantic type, drenched with poetry, love songs, creative rendezvous...so when I fell in love, I fell deeply. I really believed when I gave my heart it would be forever, just like the song says. When that love failed I was devastated. Was it love that failed or we that failed it? I'm still not sure, but what I do know is that with that destruction came hope. Hope of finding love again, but this time better, richer, fuller, stronger. Every TV show, romantic comedy, love song, Valentines day leads you to believe that there is a universe of women out there waiting for a man like me. You know, attractive, sensitive, a leader, romantic, spiritual etc. The truth is it all seems like fiction (the universe of single, beautiful, ready people), the stuff that fuels fairy tales.
Have we all been ruined by our past? Are we set up to never really trust again, to never really have the capacity to love again, to see all of our suitors through tainted war degraded glasses? If you are a woman who wants love, why settle for sex? If you are a celibate woman, why even entertain a man who is not? If you are spiritual, why date an atheist or a non-believer? If you are a quality woman, why date a man you have to drag along by his ear? It is perplexing to me. Loneliness? Sure, loneliness has its place, but patience must have its perfect place. Why settle. Every time I see a good one with a bad one, it turns my stomach. Love is so rare, why would you waste your love on something that will not, cannot, shall not be true. It's like casting your pearls before swine.
I have met women who are enormously successful, but emotionally barren. I've also met women who are so vulnerable you see their needing silhouetted in their every movement and pursed in their every word. It's amazing how many of us want love, but aren't ready for love. We want an extraordinary mate, but have nothing extraordinary to offer. Wouldn't it be better to say I want a regular guy, cuz I'm a regular girl? Or I want a woman who will suffer my BS and has low self worth so I don't take another good woman out of the running? Can't we just be honest? Can't we just take a moment to know ourselves? If you want to be great, why not take the time to be alone and develop that greatness?
Someone please say...I'm done. Finished. Out! This is the final straw on love for me. I'll be alone until I'm ready, I'll say no thank you to free dinners and drinks, I won't take advantage of her, because I know she wants love and I only want sex. Someone say, I want a good man, but honestly I don't even know what that looks like or how to treat him.
Why can't we be naked for each other, honest to each other, ready to dive head first, unafraid to hurt. If our words and actions are laden with fear, how can we ever really know or be known? If we hold back, try to keep a part of us safe, how can we ever be truly understood. Why does love have to fight through all of the layers and walls of disease we've contracted from those unworthy?
So these are my last words of hope, my last outcry to the masses...let love reign or all men shall fall.
1 Corinthians 13:13 Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.
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